Wednesday, December 28, 2016

366 days: retrospection

     2016 in retrospect? Three words: restlessness, pain, risks.

     I remember: the New Year’s Eve and promises of I will return home and wait for me or I haven’t met anyone who deserves as much as you deserve, I recall my own frustrations and anxieties, I remember that I felt I decay, but I also remember the people who have held and dragged me after them until I healed.

     January was about theatre, affection and loved ones, but also about mistakes. February meant interviews, different kind of promises, and the inspiration I got from beautiful people and.. a respite. March brought unexpected encounters and the loveliest meet-ups. April came up with the excitement for zero waste lifestyle, compliments and laughter. From May I fondly recall the marathon, the yoga day and the first trip on my own to the Netherlands. 

     June was about preparation and good humor, and July got me rid of high school once and for all, but it brought me Simone de Beauvoir. August marks the beginning of this project that remained very dear to my heart and the start of other things - rough, unexpected, beautiful. September was about music, parties and spontaneity, and October gave me "Days & Moments", the acting course and chill nights. November was madness: hope and despair intertwined into a smile - new haircut, pen pals friends, and my first real hangover - ups. The end crowns a difficult year through relief: extraordinary people, voting, holiday.

     I have a blocnotes where I wrote 103 entries about moments when I sang with joy. In my personal notebook, I wrote a lot. Thousands of words. Perhaps, above all, 2016 brought me the courage when it comes to my creativity. I don’t think I have ever written so many poems as this year, I have never written more than 4,000 words on a novel, a few months ago I started working on a script for a play. This year I was vulnerable, powerful, sad and ecstatic. Was 2016 about extremes? Maybe, and about trials, about risks and decisions. Madness?

     I surely know that the most important decision I am walking with in 2017 will make the new year even crazier than its younger brother. There are going to be 9 months (no, I'm not pregnant) of adventure. Travels, courses, projects. Changes for the better, I think. I feel.. I know that 2017 will be extraordinary. I leave 2016 behind because it was hard. It was about sacrifices, tears, pain and helplessness. It wasn’t pink, it was far from rosy. Too far. I love black, but I want balance. I doubt I am mature enough to achieve it in the future, but .. I shall work. I will definitely be working on it.

     What have I learned concretely? I feel I have only repeated many lessons. And some pieces of wisdom were only emphasized. I realized once more that I should not throw myself into recklessly taking important decisions. I should stop giving up to momentary impulses. I think this is the problem that triggers all evils. And I need to be more spontaneous, more relaxed. Maybe more adventurous.

     With these thoughts I go now – not towards new beginnings - but towards the continuation of this race of which I am again excited and eager. I smile at everything that was, but I've already packed up for what will follow.

      How was your 2016? x

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Maira Gall