Tuesday, November 22, 2016

sunshine and sorrows

1. I am 20
2. Thus I have lived 240 months
3. I’ve had 3 homes
4. in 2 different countries
5. I have lost 12 important people
6. I’ve had 5 major existential crises (+ thousands of smaller ones)
7. I have 13 books I will never forget  
8. and there are 6 movies that irrevocably shattered my soul
9. I’ve had more than 19 haircuts
10. But I loved only 1 person and fell (deeply) in love with only 1 fictional character

11. I have visited 9 countries
12. and beaten 1 unpredictable & nasty disease
13. I’d started 5 novels and abandoned them all
14. but I’d loved all 20 cats that were mine
15. I went to 6 memorable concerts
16. and visited over 30 museums
17. Shamefully, there are 37 boys I had a crush on
18. I’ve drunk more than 14 000 liters of water
19. I shut down 2 blogs
20. and 3 projects left their footprint on my personality.

     And yes, I have been through too many disappointments, I disappointed too many people, I spent too many hours crying and doubting and shouting in my head and asking myself “is this a world worth-dying in?”. But then.. I’ve met so many wonderful people, read so many amazing books, I’ve fell in love with places and human beings worth-living for, movies and gestures, hugs and dogs and ideals and dreams. And I’ve received love maybe I didn’t deserve but I was grateful for each gram of it. When you look back, you realize you wasted your time on things that now don’t matter anymore, that lost their values, on people that you can’t even remember, on doubts, on being pointlessly angry, and realize.. you could’ve written down way more poems, more quotes, you could’ve taken more risks, could’ve given more appreciation, kisses.. trust.

     Let’s start with this beautiful and terrifying number that 20 is and to make an existence worth-telling your grandsons about and if you won’t have any grandson that’s fine as well, live for writing your life down and make sure you will feel proud reading it.

What if..
1. 30 years
2. 360 months
3. 7 homes in
4. 4 countries
5. stop losing people I love or admire
6. 2 more major existential crises and then life figured out
7. 21 books
8. and 30 movies
9. Hmm, let’s say 30 haircuts
10. 3 people.. no, two people I’ve loved (I will assume I will meet the love of my life meanwhile)
11. 31 visited countries
12. Let that disease be the only one
13. 5 abandoned novels, but 3 I’ve proudly finished
14. I don’t want to have any more cats, so let the number be 20 and say 2 dogs I have
15. 21 memorable concerts
16. More than 50 museums
17. not so many crushes 
18. I should be drinking more liters of water!
19. As for blogs, only 2 closed, but one I keep writing on
20. Finally, 13 projects that made my life spectacular.

     Fewer disappointments. Fewer moments spent on doubting. More moments open-heartedly given to people I love, more appreciation and gratitude shown for them. More photos taken, lots of short-movies made, more moments spent in connection with my creativity and with nature, more poems written. I promise myself to start facing my fears, taking more risks, accepting the consequences without complaining. Let’s do bungee jumping, let’s do scuba diving, water skiing, sky diving, salsa, lyrical dance. Let’s build a house in the tree, let’s swim naked, let’s climb a mountain and sleep outside, let’s keep that spine always straight. 

     And I want to be 30 and say “I am 30, which means I’ve lived 360 months. But in the past 120 months I’ve lived more than in the first 20 years of my life.”

     So happy birthday, young lady, and may each of the next years be the most wonderful, enriching, blissful and adventurous ever!


  1. If it's a metaphor, I am afraid I don't get it

  2. 20 is young, 20 gives you more time to explore what the world offers, 20 is a new milestone - an older, more knowledgeable you of yesterday. Even though it has been a while since I have been on the blogging scene and, as always, late to the party, I'd like to wish you a happy 20th birthday!

  3. Hahah, don't worry about being late, Mervyn! Thank you so much!

  4. What a great post and I really love how poetic it ended up being listing all of your life events up until this point. I wish you nothing but the best for your birthday and only good things to come. It sounds like up until now you have been through some very heavy things, but I am sure they have at least contributed in making you the person you are today, which is never a bad thing.

    Rae | Love from Berlin

  5. Thank you so much, Rae! And no worries, tough periods are only for challenging and improving ourselves, after all. xx

  6. No. 17 can't be hilarious enough! Well, I feel ya. and cheers to being young!

    Tienne — foregathers.life/blog

  7. Thank you, Tienne! Cheers to the most beautiful years!

  8. I love it! What I tell myself since I've reached a new cape? "I've been 20 for the last 20 years!" :D

  9. Hahah, thank you, Caro! Cheers! xx


Maira Gall