Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Modus vivendi

     Finding myself too often in the circumstances of an argue with my own conscience, of endlessly lectures of two different people (one and the same?) dwelling in me, I tried to find – laborious process - a golden mean. While reading "Memoirs of a dutiful daughter", I had the revelation of discovery: a modus vivendi, a nicely childish one. No other than curiosity – portrayed, brightly and proudly - at my feet. I can not help but smile; so far, I have not found any other way to make existence bearable.
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     I talk from my own perspective: the only comfort – now and forever – shall remain the awareness that I know nothing or, in any case, I know far too little. It could not be more obvious what ensues: curiosity to learn more, to be ceaselessly searching for more rational meanings than the old ones. Only this shall be my guide, my purpose and, ultimately, my executioner. None but this idea haunts me: to wake up feeling like there is nothing to find, as everything is so profoundly limited so it is diminished to an atomic level, and not to sense any muscles vibration or desire to get down from the white sheets. Ghost of a dystopian future.
   
     And how could I have the hypocrisy to preach anything except it? I search (unwittingly?) for and always hope to find the strength to open doors that seem like gates of an empire when, in fact, they are not. They seem made of iron, but are only imitations and I always reach beyond them for the same reason I had the courage to open them: curiosity.

     One’s faithful companion,, regardless of direction, fate master and, possibly, one’s destruction. But why does it matter? You can only get through experiences that will awake you and falling asleep will appear the choice of those who have embraced a disgusting self-sufficiency. I always say and I also try to fully believe that the absolute truth is just a trap, the only ideal represents, frankly, this state of mind that gives you shivers, that electrifies the cerebral hemispheres and that, no matter how insolent it gets, you do not even want to make it obedient.

     They say "Curiosity killed the cat", and I add with some fervor "but Satisfaction brought it back”.

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Maira Gall